Wisdom Slap!

Yesterday I attended my ever first meditation session. Fortunately for myself, Thailand is an ideal setting for an introductory experience into the practice. The room was a small, vibrant yellow square with dim lighting and several cushions set in two rows of three. An immediate feeling of comfort and relaxation rushes over each participant upon entering the arena. Before explaining my experience, I feel a small background of my current emotional state is due.

I am undergoing my first true break-up. My ex and I had been dating for nearly four years and I can quite honestly say he was my best friend for all of them. Upon coming to Thailand, we ended our relationship and labeled this decision as us each needing to grow our own separate ways. The last several weeks has an emotional battle of letting go yet dreading the loss of love. As he told me about his struggles with adjusting to his home life and new relationships with different women, I often felt hurt and sadness consume me. In addition to the breakup, I have been feeling lost and the typical post-graduation depression of college. The questions of “Where am I going?” or “what do I want to do with my life?”, “Did I make the right decision to move to Thailand?”, “Should I just marry and reproduce?” Oh the mental battle was endless…. Friends would console me saying, “You deserve better” or “he’s never going to find someone as good as you” and so on. However, all the advice and comfort in the world would not change my personal demons and negative thoughts or feelings. And then, I experienced meditation.

The first 30-minutes was spent sitting in silence with closed eyes while attempting not to move. My legs were numb and tingling within ten. Once that sensation occurred, my thoughts wandered to the consequences. I thought, “My God! They’re going to have to amputate! I’m going to be a pirate legged Buddha!” or something dramatic to that effect. However, then my Guru spoke. He said that when the thoughts wander, bring them to the present. So, determined, I said “Alright thoughts, come here. Calm down. Focus” almost like luring a child with ice cream to sit through a wedding ceremony or any family event. After another set of unknown minutes, I realized my thoughts were actually becoming more centered. I tried to focus on the present moment, on my breathe, my numb legs, the sound of the water fountain outside….

Then, as if knowing I was prepared for the next challenge, the Guru asked “invision your Buddha, in whatever form. Picture them beaming with light of kindness, happiness and forgiving”. My Buddha was my grandmother. Immediately and without debate or preconceived thought, there she was. A small, orange robed grandma Sal, sitting cross-legged and softly smiling at me. The connection I felt to her was overwhelming. As she looked into my eyes, it wasn’t only a mental picture but physical caused warmth to spread. I confessed my worries, doubts, fears, anxieties, everything. Her expression never changed. She sat there, glowing with wisdom, smiling. Finally, without moving her lips, I heard this distant voice from within me say “I love you. You are divine and divinity is within you as within us all. You are happy and you are loved.”

Without being melodramatic, this voice created a sensation I have not felt over the last few weeks. I focused on my heart, the source of this feeling. And finally, I could feel my heartbeat again. Not only in an anatomical sense, but I could feel the glowing sensation of compassion and love for the world that I seem to have buried under the dramas of worry. This Grandma Buddha took my hand and dusted the ash from the collapsed relationship off my heart and showed to me that it still is golden and pure. I was on the verge of tears. My fear of losing love diminished. I can never lose love because I have love for myself and compassion for the whole world. I am capable of loving this whole world and all of life if I simply let go of the doubt.

Meditation ended with asking a prayer from our Buddha figures. I simply asked mine for strength, and again, with a smile, she looked deep into my eyes and heart and said, “My dear, you already have it.”